Syukur

Tiap kali belikan lauk untuk mak, mak akan tanya "berapa sekor ikan tu?... sayur ni berapa ringgit banyak ni? mahal tak gulai tu?"

"Tak tanya pun berapa sekor, berapa sesenduk. Dia kira semua, bayor je." 

Alhamdulillah, Allah beri rezeki lebih, hingga tak perlu tanya satu-satu harga, dan tak ada niat yang terhenti tak boleh beli makanan sebab tak cukup duit. Syukur. 

Bukan tak pernah lalui zaman tu. Zaman perlu kira berapa ringgit yang ada dalam dompet sebelum keluar beli makanan, congak dulu dalam kepala sebelum ambik lauk. Zaman belajar, lauk telur tu pilihan utama. Lauk ayam, daging tu cuma sekali sekala bila loan Mara baru masuk. 

Saya mungkin tak bercita-cita tinggi, tapi memang impian masa belajar, semoga satu hari, saya boleh beli apa saja saya nak makan. Sebab itulah juga dah jadi gemok kot, sebab apa nak makan pun boleh!!!

Plus One

Yes.
I'm married.
Almost 7 months of being a wife.

This time last year, I have not met him face to face yet.
This time last year, I was just making plan for the weekend in KL to meet my friends, and I was going to meet him coz he would lend me his old kenari for the weekend.
That was the plan.

Love

 when love comes knocking...

I Choose

I choose to love you in silence…
For in silence I find no rejection,

I choose to love you in loneliness…
For in loneliness no one owns you but me,

I choose to adore you from a distance…
For distance will shield me from pain,

I choose to kiss you in the wind…
For the wind is gentler than my lips,

I choose to hold you in my dreams…
For in my dreams, you have no end.”

― Jalaluddin Rumi

NEED

HUGS

COFFEE 

CAKES

..I need them, in that order. NOW!

Heaven on Earth

“Gar firdaus bar-rue zamin ast, hami asto, hamin asto, hamin ast.” 
“If there is a heaven on earth, it's here, it's here, it's here.” -  Mughal Emperor Jahangir



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Grief

I am sad.
I am not supposed to be this sad for I have no 'ownership' over this person but I'm sad.
Is that wrong?


...and worse, I feel bad for feeling sad.




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The unrequited

I hate the fact that I still look forward to meeting you...
I hate the fact that the space you left was never filled...
I hate the fact that I still care...
I hate the fact that I never really changed.

WHY?



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Frozen in Hakodate

2016

Half a month passed. 

Is it too late to wish you happy new year?

No?

Ok

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I know it will be a tough year but let's work on making it a great year. 

We can, insyaa Allah.

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Mothering

I have stopped reading any article or FB posts that talks about the joy of being a mother, especially at the point of them feeling the little one in their tummy & the joy of holding the baby in their arms just after they deliver. 

I just have to skip.

I just do not want to torture myself with the feeling of failing to function, of being a lesser woman for not being able to become (legally) pregnant & be a mother. 

I became a grandma recently, my eldest niece gave birth to a beautiful daughter. That made me realized the whole world moved past me. The little girl I used to help change diaper is now changing  her daughter's diaper. 

And I'm still here. Childless. It is a childhood dream that will never come true. Yes, I wanted kids, 5 to be exact. 

No I do not plan to adopt.

Surprisingly, I do not feel the same inferiority about not being somebody's wife. I wonder why. 

The prayer

News came to me this morning on whatsapp.

I looked at the message a few times before replying. 

Long ago I told a mutual friend not to tell me anything about you, for I didn't want to know anything about you anymore. 

But this time, she knows that I need to know this piece of news.

You are not well, you have the big C at stage IV. 

I sat dumbfounded for a while before I could think again.

Allah is giving you a big test, I hope you will stay strong. I hope you will fight it. 

I may not be seeing you, but I'll keep you in my prayer. Get well soon dear friend. 

They say first cut is the deepest.

My scars are healed. 

I am not in pain. 

I have forgiven you.

You take care.

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Crappy Quote

I came across this quote so many times...

"Don't marry the one u can live with, But marry the one u can't live without"

I have no idea who said it first .
I think it is rubbish. 
You can always live without 'the one' that you think you can't live without. 
Do you mean you have not lived before you meet that person?


Go, get married if you want to, but cut off that 'I can't live without you' crap.
God gave you life, so live, with or without 'the one'. 



Oh yeah, call me a sourgrape.


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Sweet dreams are made of these

 "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" 
(gelak golek golek)

Dalam silauan cahya

Membatas pandangan mata

Namun jelas ku lihat kamu

Biarpun ku sedar kau kian jauh

Tinggalkan aku yang rapuh

Angin kencang membawa kau

Jauh ke sana kau hilang terus tanpa khabar

Tidur malam ku mimpi indah ingat kamu

Ku rindui kamu

Angin Kencang - Noh hujan

(Hehehehehe...

sesi berangan tak sudah)


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Salt water

Sometimes people think that you are strong coz they have never seen your tears. 

They don't know your struggle.

They don't understand.

.....

I am an introvert, stuck in a perceived extrovert shell.

Trying to fake a 'friendliness' is tiring.

Trying to pretend that you like to be in the crowd is tiring.

*exhausted*

Gelombang

Kadang kala kita jumpa orang yang dah lama kita tak jumpa.
Kita cuba buat mesra macam zaman dulu-dulu.
Tapi tak boleh, kita rasa kemesraan itu agak palsu.
Kita rasa kita perlu berkata sebegitu sebegini, angguk dan senyum, bukan secara spontan lagi.

Memang kita tak perlu bercerita tentang perkara yang sama setiap masa, kita juga tidak perlu bersetuju dengan semua perkara. Itu tak apa. Kita boleh terus bercakap.
Tapi, bila kita rasa, gelombang percakapan kita tak sama. Susah.
Kita boleh bersetuju perkara yang berbeza, tapi gelombang perlu sama. 
Umpama, kalau tak sama gelombang, kita tak dapat dengar perbincangan itu dalam satu stesen radio.



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Corak

Biarlah setiap gelombang itu merubah corak pasir di pantai.

Cukup

Semenjak dah tua ni, dah tak rasa rajin nak berkenalan & buat kawan baru. Maaf kalau org jumpa saya dan rasa saya 'dingin'. Well, kalau nasi baru masak disimpan lama pun dia jadi nasi dingin jugak, dok? Kalau jumpa org baru setakat bertanya nama okey lah. Kalau nak tanya banyak, saya rasa rimas nak menjawab. Rasa penat.

Mungkin sebab saya memang dah lama menjadi introvert yg berusaha untuk jadi friendly. Dah habis tenaga itu. Saya dah tua dan dah habis kederat utk melayan perbualan baru yg bertanya hal2 lama.

Dengan kawan lama tak apa. Hanya sekumpulan kecil yg masih saya hubungi hampir setiap hari. Mereka ini yg saya sudah paham tebiat masing2. Kami hormat ruang masing2 & perbezaan yg ada. 

Kepada yang baru hadir, 'trust me it's not you, it's me. ignore me. I'm just tired. Please leave.'

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Maldives aku datang

Katanya destinasi bulan madu.

Habis kalau bulannya tak juga jatuh ke riba takkan nak tunggu sampai dapat dua batu nisan?

Pergi saja, tak perlu tunggu bulan madu, tak perlu tunggu sesiapa.

Allah bagi rezeki, bermusafirlah lihat keindahan ciptaanNya. 

Indah. Cukup indah.

(ini cuma sneak peek)

 

Sweet dreams are made of these!

So beautiful, I almost cried when It was time to go back.

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38

Turned 38 yesterday. 

Mak gave birth to me when she was 38, her 8th child. I'm 38 and I have no kids. 

Life is great and Allah has given me more than I deserved. 

Let me say that again, I am now 38, single and LOVIN' IT!

I 've been telling myself that I have my mom's genes so I put her 'getting last child at 38' as my bench mark. If I want to get married and have kids, I would have to do it BEFORE I turn 38. After that date, I might as well plan on keeping all my savings for a good full service nursing home.

Aaaaaanyway, on my 38th birthday I had breakfast with friends from Lincoln and spent the rest of the day with friends from high school. Had a great time, we just talk and talk and talk! you don't need anything else when you can talk endlessly (and we did that a lot over food!).

Alhamdulillah for the lovely friends... 

We stayed at Spices H0tel, a lovely boutique hotel on Lumut Lane in George Town and I received a birthday cake, on the house! 

If you're looking for a place to stay in George Town, I highly recommend Spices H0tel (click here to read more on the hotel). If you appreciate design and architecture, this is an awesome restoration of pre-war shophouses.