The unrequited

I hate the fact that I still look forward to meeting you...
I hate the fact that the space you left was never filled...
I hate the fact that I still care...
I hate the fact that I never really changed.

WHY?



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Frozen in Hakodate

2016

Half a month passed. 

Is it too late to wish you happy new year?

No?

Ok

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I know it will be a tough year but let's work on making it a great year. 

We can, insyaa Allah.

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Mothering

I have stopped reading any article or FB posts that talks about the joy of being a mother, especially at the point of them feeling the little one in their tummy & the joy of holding the baby in their arms just after they deliver. 

I just have to skip.

I just do not want to torture myself with the feeling of failing to function, of being a lesser woman for not being able to become (legally) pregnant & be a mother. 

I became a grandma recently, my eldest niece gave birth to a beautiful daughter. That made me realized the whole world moved past me. The little girl I used to help change diaper is now changing  her daughter's diaper. 

And I'm still here. Childless. It is a childhood dream that will never come true. Yes, I wanted kids, 5 to be exact. 

No I do not plan to adopt.

Surprisingly, I do not feel the same inferiority about not being somebody's wife. I wonder why. 

The prayer

News came to me this morning on whatsapp.

I looked at the message a few times before replying. 

Long ago I told a mutual friend not to tell me anything about you, for I didn't want to know anything about you anymore. 

But this time, she knows that I need to know this piece of news.

You are not well, you have the big C at stage IV. 

I sat dumbfounded for a while before I could think again.

Allah is giving you a big test, I hope you will stay strong. I hope you will fight it. 

I may not be seeing you, but I'll keep you in my prayer. Get well soon dear friend. 

They say first cut is the deepest.

My scars are healed. 

I am not in pain. 

I have forgiven you.

You take care.

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