Mothering

I have stopped reading any article or FB posts that talks about the joy of being a mother, especially at the point of them feeling the little one in their tummy & the joy of holding the baby in their arms just after they deliver. 

I just have to skip.

I just do not want to torture myself with the feeling of failing to function, of being a lesser woman for not being able to become (legally) pregnant & be a mother. 

I became a grandma recently, my eldest niece gave birth to a beautiful daughter. That made me realized the whole world moved past me. The little girl I used to help change diaper is now changing  her daughter's diaper. 

And I'm still here. Childless. It is a childhood dream that will never come true. Yes, I wanted kids, 5 to be exact. 

No I do not plan to adopt.

Surprisingly, I do not feel the same inferiority about not being somebody's wife. I wonder why. 

The prayer

News came to me this morning on whatsapp.

I looked at the message a few times before replying. 

Long ago I told a mutual friend not to tell me anything about you, for I didn't want to know anything about you anymore. 

But this time, she knows that I need to know this piece of news.

You are not well, you have the big C at stage IV. 

I sat dumbfounded for a while before I could think again.

Allah is giving you a big test, I hope you will stay strong. I hope you will fight it. 

I may not be seeing you, but I'll keep you in my prayer. Get well soon dear friend. 

They say first cut is the deepest.

My scars are healed. 

I am not in pain. 

I have forgiven you.

You take care.

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Crappy Quote

I came across this quote so many times...

"Don't marry the one u can live with, But marry the one u can't live without"

I have no idea who said it first .
I think it is rubbish. 
You can always live without 'the one' that you think you can't live without. 
Do you mean you have not lived before you meet that person?


Go, get married if you want to, but cut off that 'I can't live without you' crap.
God gave you life, so live, with or without 'the one'. 



Oh yeah, call me a sourgrape.


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Sweet dreams are made of these

 "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" 
(gelak golek golek)

Dalam silauan cahya

Membatas pandangan mata

Namun jelas ku lihat kamu

Biarpun ku sedar kau kian jauh

Tinggalkan aku yang rapuh

Angin kencang membawa kau

Jauh ke sana kau hilang terus tanpa khabar

Tidur malam ku mimpi indah ingat kamu

Ku rindui kamu

Angin Kencang - Noh hujan

(Hehehehehe...

sesi berangan tak sudah)


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Salt water

Sometimes people think that you are strong coz they have never seen your tears. 

They don't know your struggle.

They don't understand.

.....

I am an introvert, stuck in a perceived extrovert shell.

Trying to fake a 'friendliness' is tiring.

Trying to pretend that you like to be in the crowd is tiring.

*exhausted*