Grief

I am sad.
I am not supposed to be this sad for I have no 'ownership' over this person but I'm sad.
Is that wrong?


...and worse, I feel bad for feeling sad.




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The unrequited

I hate the fact that I still look forward to meeting you...
I hate the fact that the space you left was never filled...
I hate the fact that I still care...
I hate the fact that I never really changed.

WHY?



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Frozen in Hakodate

2016

Half a month passed. 

Is it too late to wish you happy new year?

No?

Ok

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I know it will be a tough year but let's work on making it a great year. 

We can, insyaa Allah.

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Mothering

I have stopped reading any article or FB posts that talks about the joy of being a mother, especially at the point of them feeling the little one in their tummy & the joy of holding the baby in their arms just after they deliver. 

I just have to skip.

I just do not want to torture myself with the feeling of failing to function, of being a lesser woman for not being able to become (legally) pregnant & be a mother. 

I became a grandma recently, my eldest niece gave birth to a beautiful daughter. That made me realized the whole world moved past me. The little girl I used to help change diaper is now changing  her daughter's diaper. 

And I'm still here. Childless. It is a childhood dream that will never come true. Yes, I wanted kids, 5 to be exact. 

No I do not plan to adopt.

Surprisingly, I do not feel the same inferiority about not being somebody's wife. I wonder why.